A Tip for all the fab Missed Connection posters

(I posted this on Craigslist, Missed Connections.  I read them religiously, and it sates my nosy little heart like no celebrity gossip rag ever could.  Certain trends, however, were getting on my nerves.  As I am 104% sure it will be flagged and removed, I've posted it here for posterity as well. Enjoy.)

I'm sure this will be flagged shortly, as anything that isn't a photo of a penis or a scam usually is... but here goes.

You saw that hottie on the train? You wanted to say hi, but chickened out? It's cool, post a missed connection!
Who knows, they may read it and contact you!

I've had one hit (a conversation in a grocery store turned into an awkward first date... is that a hit?) and one miss (I pined after a bartender, and was informed promptly that EVERYONE pines over said bartender. Oh well) on my own- it could happen to you!

Here are some tips I've formulated from reading these things obsessively every night...

1. You posted a pic? Great! Is it relevant? For reals, that could mean a penis pic if that's the only way your MC would recognize you... is it a cat picture, when your post has nothing to do with cats? Fail.

2. You have an eye for a cute waitress at IHOP, and want to tell her how she warms your syrup? Post it, describe her so she knows it is her... don't describe YOU, unless you had, like, three eyes. If you add, "Tell me what shirt I was wearing" to your post, it's only revealing that you think a whole lot of yourself, that she would remember your no-tipping ass after a long hard day at work (actually, if you didn't tip- better not to post at all. She WILL remember you. And not fondly.) How bout, in order to weed out ravenous waitress-imposters, ask her to comment on something about herself that you noticed.) She'll probably remember that.

3. M4M- no tips, gentlemen, keep doing what you do. Seriously, the lovely gay men of the bay area have more fabulous sex then any other population, anywhere, ever. Keep posting and making me smile, darlings.

4. Initials. You realize there are only 26 letters in the english alphabet, don't you? While it may weed things down a wee bit, posting a vague note to "J" is unlikely to produce results you'd like... Unless of course the object of your affection is named Quincy. or Xavier. In those cases, carry on. Why not try a descriptor with your initial? A zodiac sign? Anything?

5. For the most effectiveness, if your goal is to actually re-connect with that MC, put something specific in your title, and choose your location wisely and specifically. A title of "Beautiful" in the general SF Bay area is unlikely to catch the person you are jonesin' for. Try, "You accidently brushed against my butt at the Hillsdale Starbucks today. And I liked it."

6. Prepare to be flagged for absolutely no reason. What's up with that?

7. Gentlemen. This actually transcends CL- MC-land, and covers a piece of advice in the real world.... We ladies are not vehicles for our rockin' boobies. Therefore, addressing posts to our boobies alone is unlikely to garner a response. As our boobies can't type. (Well, mine can't anyway... if you happen to be that talented, let me know.)

8. Ladies. It's okay to let him go. Call up your best friend and read that poem to her. If she's a good friend, she'll tell you not to post it- after she regains her composure from laughing so hard. If she says post it- THEN post it. And move on. You are lovely and wonderful and deserve someone who thinks so too.

9. Pretty please don't flag me. Please? With a cherry on top?

10. Keep on doing what you do, and letting it all hang out. I love love love reading these things. For reals.

New Digs- A List!

You know how some people say, "Out with the old, in with the new," when January rolls around?

I decided to take that to the max, because I'm hardcore like that and say, "Eff my old apartment and my hometown- I'm out!"**

**which really sounded more like "I love you" "I love you too" "let's live together!" "hell yeah!" "Yay" "SMOOCHSMOOCHSMOOCH"... but you get the picture...

Soooo, I'm moving. My last few moves consisted of:


- Hey, we have no stuff. Let's put our clothes on the carpet and search craigslist!
- Hi Mormons! we have no one to help move our stuff... Hey, THANKS, Mormons!
- Um, I'm 8 months pregnant and need help moving... oh, you have a videogame to play? Cool, I'll just be out here throwing my back out...
- Hey, thanks Marine Corps, for moving all our crap.
- Hey, thanks Marine Corps, for moving all our crap.
- Hey, thanks Marine Corps, for moving all our crap.

So I find that with my limited experience moving, I am thinking all sorts of thoughts and finding out new things about the process all day.  Things like:

1. My mom can probably carry a water buffalo on one shoulder.
2. I own more jackets than one human being should.
3. There is nothing quite so satisfying as laying on your new carpet for the first time, before koolaid and hair balls have a chance to sully the experience.
4. If two people are moving to the same place- they should get walkie-talkies. Sure, it would prolly make communication smoother... but also FREAKING walkie-talkies!
5. This:

6. I am now 98% certain that while I sleep, mischievous gnomes come into my place, and leave belongings. What else would explain how I amassed as many belongings as an entombed Egyptian king, in only a mere 34 years?
7. I am now co-owner of a Costco account. I'm pretty sure that's more legally binding than marriage.
8. I am already plotting pillow fights and hide and go seek bouts and art nights in and bad movie night and drunken Trivial Pursuit matches... and we'll have fun when the boychild is there too.
9. I can already imagine how we'll decorate for next Christmas, and hope we get Trick or Treaters on Halloween.
10. It's an adventure that I'm glad I have such an amazing partner to share it with.

Because What Would The Innernets Be Without Random Ranting?

I have about three other topics I wanted to blog about, but instead, because Flickr decided to tweak some stuff mid-middle of the night, I'm feeling ranty...

(As a sidenote, Flickr initiated a project for those of us who were getting aggressive to chew on. Here's my entry.)

And now on to my set of random rants, in list form- because listifying rants makes them less random, right? Right??

 1. Pandora Radio. I recognize I don't pay for Pandora (and actually as an addendum to this rant, I do love the way the new Pandora looks, and that they did away with the 40 hour listening cap...buuuut....) One of my favorite things about Pandora was the ability to move songs from station to station. When Usher "Nice and Slow" plays on my Wispy Ladies station (a station that is supposed to host willowy lady voices singing angsty things) I shouldn't have to thumbs down it. I like "Nice and Slow." It should go on my Panty Droppers station. There doesn't seem to be a way to do that any more. That's lame. Spotify and last.fm are looking better and better to me.

SIDE ANECDOTE: Moral quandary- I was recently in Pandora's hometown of Oakland, at a bar, and there was a Pandora gathering occurring. When it came time to pay for my drink, the bartender asked if I was charging to the Pandora party. Given that I was already peeved about the track moving thing, I was tempted to answer in the affirmative. I didn't, I behaved. What would you have done?

2. Twitter. Hey twits, if you find a trending topic offensive, tweeting that you find it offensive and using the topic hashtag only helps the popularity of said topic. As with everthing offensive on the innernets, it's always better to ignore it...(recent examples include #Aaliyahsfinalplaylist and #reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend) On a related topic, Why come Twitter you block some trending topics (recent example that comes to mind are the NYC protests and the Troy Davis fiasco...) Do you not remember the impact and cultural relevance of the Iran protests on Twitter?  It makes the medium less "of the people" and more "just another media outlet."  Super sad.

3. iVillage email updates. iVillage, you asked me if this "email doesn't look right." I should say so, but not for the reason you think. I suspect you mean to ask if the format is correct, and it's fine. What I take issue with is that you pretend to be news and articles tailored to women, but in actuality, you are nothing more than a trashy, patronizing women's mag set to bytes. "10 Tips to Keep Your Man"? For reals?

4. The bleak future. Hey teenagers, those seats at the front of the bus? Those are for the elderly and the disabled. You know, just like the sign says? I weep for the health and education of our future if modern teenagers can't read a sign, or can't walk to the back of the bus. I'm about two years away from perfecting my upturned shaking fist...

5. I don't know why it incenses me, but I can NOT abide by people who open a new product before the old one has run out. You know who you are. You were cute enough to get away with it this time-- but next time, you lose a pinky.

6. And last but not least, the incident which is responsible for my elevated blood pressure... for the last, like month. I was standing at a crosswalk with my cutie boyfriend, waiting for the light to change in our favor. The light changed for the cars moving in our direction, even though the walk crosslight hadn't changed. I took that as a cue to walk (I frequently watch for the cars going in my direction rather than the "Walk" light. California lights can be wonky...)

Unfortunately, a car was turning, and almost hit me, but cutie boyfriend pulled me back in time. As we discussed the incident, chuckling at it, I said the phrase, "but it was green!" (meaning the streetlight) to the cutie boyfriend. At that moment, we passed a restaurant with a security guard policing the entrance (why the hell?). I guess he felt the power of his authority swell up inside him and he C'd his way into our A and B conversation with, "Actually it wasn't, actually."

Yup, he both started and ended the interruption with "Actually."
I don't know what made me want to scratch his eyes out more, the interruption, the presumption that because he wears a uniform he deserves to interject into our conversation, or the absolute fumbling with my native tongue. Actually-actually? ACTUALLY-ACTUALLY?! To be fair, I like to play with words, but I consider it a flirtation with my favorite things, rather then an utter disregard for how things sound, or how to make word usage sound mindful. Actually actually.

I'm done here, yo.

On Fall (or Autumnal Woes)

Labor Day is over, and although Fall doesn't really begin until the 23rd of this month, everyone is in pretty solid agreement that Summer is over.  Our pool is officially closed, Halloween stuff abounds at the grocery store, and most kids are back in school. I have always been a staunch anti-autumnist... or so I thought.

Recently, it was brought to my attention that many things that are associated with Fall are things I claim to like.  This of course prompted me to make a list. (Who am I kidding- blowing my nose prompts me to make a list. Staring at linoleum prompts me to make a list.)

Reasons I LIKE Fall:

1. HALLOWEEN! The day of the year that adults get to play dress up (except you Furries. Hats off to you for making it Halloween, Game Day, and freaky all around all year long!). Halloween is about magic and mayhem and my favorite thing ever... CANDY. That is a win for Fall.

2. Good smelling stuff- I'm not much of a Suzy Homemaker. In fact, until recently, I thought the name was in reference to a bad-ass lady pimp (Suzy Hoe-maker). I do however, geek out tremendously at things that are scented cinnamon and apple, spiced pear, spiced fig, spiced anything really. Spiced marshmallow, spiced koala... I don't care. Let me sniff it.

3. Color palette- An icy blue is my favorite color (not to be confused with Icy Blu), but really, my favorite over-all palette consists of maroons and golds and deep, chocolate browns. Falls colors make me comfy and warm.

4. My Birthday- Most people would call me a winter baby, but being that my birthday falls in the first half of December... that makes me a fall baby. Ain't nothing wrong with that...and now....

Reasons I HATE Fall:

1. It's freaking cold.

2. It's freaking dark.Fer reals, the sun already spends all of it's time on the other side of the planet during fall, but then you factor in Daylight Savings Time, and it feels like we live in a planet of Darkness. And not awesome Charlie Murphy Darkness, either.

3. Did I mention the cold? Because that shit sucks.

4. I always think rats are hiding under piles of leaves- This could be my own neurosis (I really hate how many viable sentences I start off like that...) but every time I shuffle through a pile of fallen leaves, I imagine my booted foot connecting with something breathing and furry. This is something I can safely assume both I and the rodent world would like to avoid.

5. Traffic- Living in California, just thinking about the Christmas shopping rush and what it does to already aggravated commuters is enough to make my stomach churn. Not owning a car myself, I still have to contend with walking packages home in inclement weather. Sorry, grandma, your new doilies smell like dirty rain because Christmas is inconveniently in the fall.

Things that conflict me about Fall:
These are things I couldn't decide whether they were pros or cons. But still they exist. Bastard ambiguities!

1. I'm glad that it's not winter yet, but sad that summer is over.
2. The smell of fireplaces is comforting, but also a reminder that the year is almost done, causing me to reflect on shit. I get sad when I reflect on shit. But damn do those things smell awesome...
3. I love the anticipation of Christmas, but start panicking on how to afford it. Being a broke single mama is never more panic-inducing when I have to factor in affording stuff. And don't even get me started on the whole "Presents made with love are worth all the Legos in the world!" Because we both know that's a load of bull-honkey.

In conclusion: Yay, fall?