Monday, September 19, 2011

Press "FLARGH" For English

Over the past few months, I am rapidly learning that I do not speak my native language.
It began with relative strangers, so naturally, I assumed it was their terrible comprehending skills.

Now even those closest to me hear, "I'm going to take a nap," as "Garffllapppfgrpsshhhh?"

My very best friend and I had the following discussion via text, for example:

ME: You ever feel like you are about to make an epic mistake, but are powerless to do anything but make it, so you can learn?

J: Whatcha up to, babygirl?

ME: Riding the bus. Writing bad poetry (I resisted the urge to follow that with, "With a crazy kind of urgency." In the hopes of not being confusing. I should've typed it.)

J: What kind of mistakes you getting ready to make?

ME: Just thinking. My brain is on hyperdrive. Everyone can spot a mistake in hindsight... what if you could see it coming and let it happen?

J: We do that all the time. We call it self-destruction, right?

ME: Nah, that's not what I mean... not like planned mistake making based on crazy brain. I mean I guess a solemn determination to test life.

J: That makes no sense to me!

ME: I apparently no longer speak english. No one understands what I say anymore.

J: Haha. Awww. rough Monday, babygirl?

ME: Nah, this shit has been going on for months. Pretty soon I'm just gonna babble and throw my own feces.

J: I'll still love you!

ME: You are required to, because I keel you otherwise.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

On Fall (or Autumnal Woes)

Labor Day is over, and although Fall doesn't really begin until the 23rd of this month, everyone is in pretty solid agreement that Summer is over.  Our pool is officially closed, Halloween stuff abounds at the grocery store, and most kids are back in school. I have always been a staunch anti-autumnist... or so I thought.

Recently, it was brought to my attention that many things that are associated with Fall are things I claim to like.  This of course prompted me to make a list. (Who am I kidding- blowing my nose prompts me to make a list. Staring at linoleum prompts me to make a list.)

Reasons I LIKE Fall:

1. HALLOWEEN! The day of the year that adults get to play dress up (except you Furries. Hats off to you for making it Halloween, Game Day, and freaky all around all year long!). Halloween is about magic and mayhem and my favorite thing ever... CANDY. That is a win for Fall.

2. Good smelling stuff- I'm not much of a Suzy Homemaker. In fact, until recently, I thought the name was in reference to a bad-ass lady pimp (Suzy Hoe-maker). I do however, geek out tremendously at things that are scented cinnamon and apple, spiced pear, spiced fig, spiced anything really. Spiced marshmallow, spiced koala... I don't care. Let me sniff it.

3. Color palette- An icy blue is my favorite color (not to be confused with Icy Blu), but really, my favorite over-all palette consists of maroons and golds and deep, chocolate browns. Falls colors make me comfy and warm.

4. My Birthday- Most people would call me a winter baby, but being that my birthday falls in the first half of December... that makes me a fall baby. Ain't nothing wrong with that...and now....

Reasons I HATE Fall:

1. It's freaking cold.

2. It's freaking dark.Fer reals, the sun already spends all of it's time on the other side of the planet during fall, but then you factor in Daylight Savings Time, and it feels like we live in a planet of Darkness. And not awesome Charlie Murphy Darkness, either.

3. Did I mention the cold? Because that shit sucks.

4. I always think rats are hiding under piles of leaves- This could be my own neurosis (I really hate how many viable sentences I start off like that...) but every time I shuffle through a pile of fallen leaves, I imagine my booted foot connecting with something breathing and furry. This is something I can safely assume both I and the rodent world would like to avoid.

5. Traffic- Living in California, just thinking about the Christmas shopping rush and what it does to already aggravated commuters is enough to make my stomach churn. Not owning a car myself, I still have to contend with walking packages home in inclement weather. Sorry, grandma, your new doilies smell like dirty rain because Christmas is inconveniently in the fall.

Things that conflict me about Fall:
These are things I couldn't decide whether they were pros or cons. But still they exist. Bastard ambiguities!

1. I'm glad that it's not winter yet, but sad that summer is over.
2. The smell of fireplaces is comforting, but also a reminder that the year is almost done, causing me to reflect on shit. I get sad when I reflect on shit. But damn do those things smell awesome...
3. I love the anticipation of Christmas, but start panicking on how to afford it. Being a broke single mama is never more panic-inducing when I have to factor in affording stuff. And don't even get me started on the whole "Presents made with love are worth all the Legos in the world!" Because we both know that's a load of bull-honkey.

In conclusion: Yay, fall?

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Um yeah... So there's this.

So I've been blogging in one forum or another since 2005.

From my humble beginnings on the ill-fated Yahoo 360! vehicle, to Multiply, to a half a dozen social networks...

It looks like it's time for a new forum- so here I am.

Hullo, guys.

Oh wait... I promised fart jokes.

Here you go, from none other than Mr. Leslie Nielsen.