Sunday, July 29, 2012

A Tip for all the fab Missed Connection posters

(I posted this on Craigslist, Missed Connections.  I read them religiously, and it sates my nosy little heart like no celebrity gossip rag ever could.  Certain trends, however, were getting on my nerves.  As I am 104% sure it will be flagged and removed, I've posted it here for posterity as well. Enjoy.)

I'm sure this will be flagged shortly, as anything that isn't a photo of a penis or a scam usually is... but here goes.

You saw that hottie on the train? You wanted to say hi, but chickened out? It's cool, post a missed connection!
Who knows, they may read it and contact you!

I've had one hit (a conversation in a grocery store turned into an awkward first date... is that a hit?) and one miss (I pined after a bartender, and was informed promptly that EVERYONE pines over said bartender. Oh well) on my own- it could happen to you!

Here are some tips I've formulated from reading these things obsessively every night...

1. You posted a pic? Great! Is it relevant? For reals, that could mean a penis pic if that's the only way your MC would recognize you... is it a cat picture, when your post has nothing to do with cats? Fail.

2. You have an eye for a cute waitress at IHOP, and want to tell her how she warms your syrup? Post it, describe her so she knows it is her... don't describe YOU, unless you had, like, three eyes. If you add, "Tell me what shirt I was wearing" to your post, it's only revealing that you think a whole lot of yourself, that she would remember your no-tipping ass after a long hard day at work (actually, if you didn't tip- better not to post at all. She WILL remember you. And not fondly.) How bout, in order to weed out ravenous waitress-imposters, ask her to comment on something about herself that you noticed.) She'll probably remember that.

3. M4M- no tips, gentlemen, keep doing what you do. Seriously, the lovely gay men of the bay area have more fabulous sex then any other population, anywhere, ever. Keep posting and making me smile, darlings.

4. Initials. You realize there are only 26 letters in the english alphabet, don't you? While it may weed things down a wee bit, posting a vague note to "J" is unlikely to produce results you'd like... Unless of course the object of your affection is named Quincy. or Xavier. In those cases, carry on. Why not try a descriptor with your initial? A zodiac sign? Anything?

5. For the most effectiveness, if your goal is to actually re-connect with that MC, put something specific in your title, and choose your location wisely and specifically. A title of "Beautiful" in the general SF Bay area is unlikely to catch the person you are jonesin' for. Try, "You accidently brushed against my butt at the Hillsdale Starbucks today. And I liked it."

6. Prepare to be flagged for absolutely no reason. What's up with that?

7. Gentlemen. This actually transcends CL- MC-land, and covers a piece of advice in the real world.... We ladies are not vehicles for our rockin' boobies. Therefore, addressing posts to our boobies alone is unlikely to garner a response. As our boobies can't type. (Well, mine can't anyway... if you happen to be that talented, let me know.)

8. Ladies. It's okay to let him go. Call up your best friend and read that poem to her. If she's a good friend, she'll tell you not to post it- after she regains her composure from laughing so hard. If she says post it- THEN post it. And move on. You are lovely and wonderful and deserve someone who thinks so too.

9. Pretty please don't flag me. Please? With a cherry on top?

10. Keep on doing what you do, and letting it all hang out. I love love love reading these things. For reals.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Don't Even Get Me Started on the Almonds...

Someone in the cafeteria where I work has pissed off God.

That's the only explanation I can come up with for the TWO floods that have plagued the good people who work there. I mean, even Noah only got one flood.  I don't know what that person did, but they should probably work it out with their personal savior so that we can get our "special eggs" on.  I suspect the offense had something to do with Turkey Thursday, but I can't prove it.

Anyway, being that our normal lunch spot was underwater, we meandered over to a smaller cafe with a sandwich bar. While we waited in line, we saw a sign.  I have seen similar signs to this, but not ever with this wording.  I have seen numerous nut warning signs that say things like:

"May contain nuts."
"This area contains products that may contain trace amounts of nuts."
And even: "Cannot guarantee that this product is nut-free"- a label that I think applies to more than just allergies...

But recently, at our small contingency sandwich shop, we saw a sign that said,


Which of course my brain translated to: